STDs in the movies

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Why I hate blogs

Later today, perhaps?

Bring tha Boise!

Just over a year ago, I considered vacating the mountains of Denver, Colorado in favour of other mountains in Boise, Idaho. The decision was not an easy one, and a situation as serious as that required the most intensive research tool known to humankind – A CHART.

Who will prove victorious (those of you with any reading comprehension skills already know the answer to this)? The elitist gay-friendly masses of Denver, home of Superbowl champs the Broncos? Or the totally-white-except-for-our-three-teeth-and-git-yer-ass-outta-here-fagit inhabitants of Boise, home of Chicken Dinner Road and stores that sell "Fire Woob"? That's right, Fire Woob! (Understandably, often-times Marquis signs substitute letters when tiles are in short supply, but that doesn't matter, because this sign was HAND-PAINTED).

Anyway, without further ado, behold this, the culmination of LITERALLY MINUTES of minimal research, prejudiced viewpoints and naughty words:

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
EMPLOYMENT	Got a job.	Ain't got no job.	Denver
RELATIONSHIP STATUS	Ain't got no bitch.	Got a bitch.	Boi... Den... Boise.

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
RESIDENTS	Arrogant elitists that believe all non-Denverites are brain-dead yokels with more fingers than teeth.	Brain-dead yokels with more fingers than teeth.*	Tie
DARKIES	More of the kind that negatively affect property value (Black, Mexican).	More of the kind that don't affect property value (Indian, Chinese Japanese).**	Boise
POOFTAHS	True, a large gay community speaks of a clean and safe environment. It is also true that the exterior design of the whole town will match, using a delightfully subtle, yet spunky color palette. However, it can be disconcerting to be the recipient of countless whistles from large groups of sissified "men" EVERY TIME I TRY TO RIDE MY BIKE THROUGH THE GODDAMNED PARK.	No Pooftahs.	Tie
VOTING HABITS	Blue town, Red state.	Red town, Red state.	Denver
CHRISTIAN RADIO?	Yes	Yes	There are no winners in Christian radio.

*EDITOR'S GIRLFRIEND'S NOTE: This is a little harsh, don't you think? AND is not at all accurate, Boise clearly wins out here.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Whatever, you don't like it, make your OWN damn chart.

**You may be asking yourself, "Are there really that many Indians, Chinese and Japanese people in Boise?" In short, no, but listing "None" and still declaring Boise the winner would have sounded just a little bit racist.

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
EFFECTS OF ALTITUDE AND HUMIDITY ON LIFESTYLE	Failure to consume 8 pints of water after every blueberry daiquiri leads inevitably to suicide-inducing hangovers.	2 Grey Goose Presbytirians, 1 Captain and Coke and a shot of Jager lead to morning queasiness. No further research conducted, but outlook is good.	Boise
PROXIMITY TO MOUNTAINS	Further, more of a nuisance for skiing and snowboarding endeavors	Closer, more of a nuisance because of skiers and snowboarders.	Tie. Mountains are for aesthetic purposes only.
PROXIMITY TO CITIES OF VARYING REPUTE	Portland, OR - Far San Francisco, CA - Really far Vancouver, BC - Really incredibly fucking far Salt Lake City, UT - 534mi	Portland, OR - 430mi San Francisco, CA - 640mi Vancouver, BC - 638mi Salt Lake City, UT - Who cares? See above.*	Boise, Boise, Boise, and Boise.
ARYAN NATIONS COMPOUND WITHIN 250 MILES?	No	Yes	Denver
TIME ZONE	Mountain	Mountain	There are no winners in Mountain Time.

*To you Easterners, these distances may ALL seem extensive, but they're not, and you are wrong.

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
HOUSING PRICES	Standard refrigerator box runs at least $180,000.	Really nice refrigerator boxes available for around 4 dollars.	Boise
CAR REGISTRATION	Requires bank loan	Requires $35	Boise

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
BW-3?	Yes	No	Denver

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
FOOTBALL	Broncos tend to do well and are exciting to watch.	Broncos tend to do well and are exciting to watch.	Tie
MOST TALENTED MUSICAL ACTS TO PLAY AREA IN LAST 6 MONTHS	Gwar Clutch Fu Manchu Twelve Tribes	Rod Stewart	Denver
SPEAKING OF GWAR...	2 venues per tour	1 venue per tour	Denver

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
MOST INTERESTINGLY NAMED CONVENIENCE STORE	"King Soopers"	"The Gittin' Place"	Boise

And so there you have it, folks. By using a scoring system I completely made up, Boise, representing the Gem State, upsets the favourite, Denver, representing the... umm... Colorado, by a score of 10 to 6.

Eat that shit sandwich, Elway!

Playing tug of war with Cyclops

No, really, playing tug of war with Cyclops.

Why I hate blogs: Reader submissions… with PRIZES!

It occurred to me the other day that I've spent so much of the last week or two rebutting previous WIHB entries, that I haven't bothered to find any new ones. So, dear readers, I'm placing this responsibility-laden task heavily on your shoulders.

All you need to do is find a particularly shitty blog (hosted by any service), write a very short summary of what you despise about it, and pass it along via IM or email (no comments on the blog itself, please). Contact details here.

IF YOUR ENTRY IS SELECTED, you will receive a $10 gift certificate - no, that's too much - a $5 gift certificate to some place awesome, like the grocery store.

If you do not wish to be credited for your discovery, let me know, and I will bear the agony of the ensuing hate mail. And speaking of (this is what we call a "segue", folks)…

More WIHB hatemail

It seems that LJ users were not the only ones to express concerns over my public mockery (they're just more proactive. And whinier). Velvet Mouth and her co-conspirator in sexual frustration, the Dawg, had plenty to say amongst themselves about my well-researched review of her "perverted nonsense" (she didn’t like that). However, rather than use the pinpoint accuracy of scientific analysis, as I chose to do, they went the baseless accusation/sweeping generalization route. Here is a summary of their findings:

• My mother did not love me enough as a child
• I am not accustomed to sexual union
• I hate women who are not afraid to speak about their sexuality
  (Apparently that’s the correct description of someone who takes umbrage with a married mother of small children displaying her creaky minge for the entire Internet’s perusal).
• Anyone who links to Gwar's website from their blog is a "fucking idiot"

Those slanderous bastards! Only 3 of those 4 things are true, and they know it!

However, Velvet Mouth was kind enough to post a considerably more polite comment in this 'ere blog, ripe for the brain picking:

All I can say is everyone has the right to write about and like whatever they want! This is such a small part of my life, my blog is more like my diary, I am not looking for comments, and I cant help who reads it.
At least I am open minded enough to let people be. I dont have a blog dedicated to bashing other people's blogs !!
Thanks for taking the time to write about me though! :)
p.s. its called age play I didnt invent it.

Take a deep breath, count to ten, think about the nice places that you've been.

All I can say is everyone has the right to write about and like whatever they want!
You're absolutely right, Velvet Mouth, you have truly opened my eyes. I will now be deleting any entries on my blog that you don't like, because… oh wait.

my blog is more like my diary
Ah yes, a diary; a private haven for our deepest and most intimate thoughts and fantasies. Of course, when ever I have any of those, the first thing I do is put it on the Internet right next to a picture of my penis.

I am not looking for comments
You know, if you just wrote this crap down on paper, or perhaps typed it in a Word file and emailed it yourself, you wouldn't have to worry about ANY comments.

and I cant help who reads it.
Uh oh, Dawg! Looks like you're getting a bit of ye olde cold shoulder there!

At least I am open minded enough to let people be. I dont have a blog dedicated to bashing other people's blogs !!
Dedicated? Not at all, the WIHB segment is merely a bonus; my blog is actually dedicated solely to the pursuit of awesomity. Think of the blog as a yummy fruit tart from Denver's "The Market" restaurant:


"Why I hate blogs" is just the kiwis.

Thanks for taking the time to write about me though! :)
You're most welcome. You know, before I critiqued your blog, I generally dismissed WIHB entries with a sentence or two, sometimes even one word. But I really challenged myself to capture the essence of your blog, and fully explore what I hated about it. As a result, I've improved my critical writing skills tremendously. Perhaps it is I that should be thanking you.

p.s. its called age play I didnt invent it.
And the award for the "Lousiest Reason for Something Not Being Weird goes to…"
Seriously, just because Pee Wee Herman wasn't the first weirdo to jerk it in public, that doesn't make it any less gross.

And, in closing, a final thought from the Dawg:
"Yes I'm HORNY 24/7 women should make any man horny 24/7."
Yes, but some of us have, you know, jobs… hobbies… I'm more of a 16/5 man myself.

And I thought only my mother read this blog

Sure it gets about 20 hits a day, but I thought she was just hitting refresh a lot, just to make me feel better. Thanks mum!

However, this is not the case. It is now clear to me that not only do I have countless adoring fans, my detractors are growing in number as well. I discovered this courtesy of my extremely popular segment, "Why I hate blogs", which has gone without refute for months. In this recurring piece, I have thus far cleverly lampooned 14 offenders, ranging from the laughably pointless to the… seriously pointless. This went largely without notice from the owners of the Blogger accounts I ridiculed, but as soon as I began tackling LiveJournal users (whom I accurately foretold as being "gargantuan attention whores") word got out, angry emails were sent, and even angrier comments were left.

This revelation looks better in a chart, using the powers of mathematics:

Blog host Blogspot Xanga LiveJournal

Blogs lampooned 11 1 2

Whiners 1 0 2

Percent of Total 9% 0% 100%!

Let's take a look at one such moanfest, shall we? This particular debate stems from my critique of LJ user, and part-time vampire, "evilfuzzle". We're going to do this shit up Tony Tiger style, comment first, expert analysis second!

Patti said...
Their next post was the next day if not later that day, not 5 months later. (check calendar view) I think you've missed that there is a "friends only" option so that YOU are not seeing the posts that their "friended" people are seeing. (In other words, people can pick and choose who they want to be able to see what.)
As far as I know I do not know this person, but you really ought to keep your facts straight.
The people you are tearing apart may or may not be sharing a lot more to others than you can see.
(Maybe they aren't all that boring but they feel no need to share their stories with the world, or maybe they have a reason for what they’re saying that they would rather keep more private etc.)

Also, there are "info" pages that you seem to ignore.
This is your blog, and I really can't tell you what to put in here, but you should respect that other people use their journals for their own uses.

I'll give you all a moment so that your eyes may lower back to their regular position.

Their next post was the next day if not later that day, not 5 months later. (check calendar view)
Well, Patti, I checked something that vaguely resembled a calendar and it agreed that there were only five tedious posts. If there was another version of the calendar elsewhere, it's news to me; evilfuzzle took it upon himself to relabel such mundane links as "Most recent entries" and "Comment on this" with much "scarier" titles like "Fresh blood" and "Give me pain" (respectively). Since I don’t shop at Hot Topic, or cut my wrists open every time I get a C on my report card, I have no means to decipher the rest of this gibberish.

I think you've missed that there is a "friends only" option so that YOU are not seeing the posts that their "friended" people are seeing. (In other words, people can pick and choose who they want to be able to see what.)
...
The people you are tearing apart may or may not be sharing a lot more to others than you can see. (Maybe they aren't all that boring but they feel no need to share their stories with the world, or maybe they have a reason for what they're saying that they would rather keep more private etc.)
And therein lies the point I've been trying to make for WEEKS. This person clearly has what, eight, ten friends total (it can't be much more than that, considering all the rampant friend reduction - and everybody knows LJ users don’t have any real friends) – would it be so hard to just pick up the phone? Maybe send an email? Why subject the rest of God's green earth to this retardation? Is it to remind us what ingenious soliloquies the un-befriended masses are missing out on? If that's the case, I can name 6 billion people that don't care. Really, I can.

As far as I know I do not know this person, but you really ought to keep your facts straight.
Whatever, Patti… or should I call you AFTERTHOUGHT926? OK, so you pretty much gave it away in your last comment, but to my credit, I knew right away that your passive-aggressive whinging looked oddly familiar.

Also, there are "info" pages that you seem to ignore.
Yeah, I found it (finally) under the heading Twisted info. And I did discover one fact, to my horror; nobody with a two-digit age that begins with "3" should be carrying on like this. Oh, and by scrolling down I realised that apparently anything can be considered "art" if you make a rainbow out of it. Is that what I was supposed to be getting out of this?

This is your blog, and I really can't tell you what to put in here…
True, but you do provide me with plenty of material. And to think, today's post was going to be about me eating a piece of cardboard because I mistakenly assumed it was part of my sandwich!

…but you should respect that other people use their journals for their own uses.
No.


evilfuzzle and afterthought926 posing in this artist's rendition.

Rejected "Transformers: The Movie" concepts II

Part I

This addition could have easily shaved a good 25 minutes off the end:


Yes I'm a nerd, yes part of me wishes I was still 7 years old, yes it is a testament to the power of miracles that a girl has ever let me touch her special place, yes FUCK YOU.

A short list of things that piss me off addendum

When I proclaimed my total and complete hatred of buzzwords way back when in A short list of things that piss me off Volume I, I arbritrarly selected "Extreme" and "Business Solution" as perhaps being the most irritating. So imagine my astonishment when someone directed me to this website:

http://www.teamebs.com

That's right, motherfucking EXTREME BUSINESS SOLUTIONS. The name conjures images of servers being delivered via kayak; if this were actually the case, EBS would be entitled to some forgiveness. Alas, the board must be comprised entirely of dullards (finally I get to use that word without legal recourse!), who randomly smooshed together the most popular buzzwords of the day to form the basis of a seemingly non-functional company.

Tools:
As your business partner, Extreme Business Solutions defines your requirements to clearly understand your project objectives and goals.

Case studies:
Once your objectives are understood, we will work with you to determine which combination of tools and services best meets your organization's unique requirements.

Let us spout meaningless bullshit at you in short sentences, so that even after spending 15 minutes of reading, you still have no better idea what our company does than you did before clicking this link!

Why I hate blogs

What is the measure of a person's worth? Financial success? Philanthropic endeavours? A notable genetic footprint on generations to come? No, those are all wrong. I'll tell you; the true measure of a person's worth is friend lists. The reason that non-LJ/Mypsace users will NEVER AMOUNT TO ANYTHING is because they cannot prove how popular they are by garnering support from huge numbers of other attention whores on the Internet. The importance of friend lists is SO great, it's a wonder that no one has dedicated their ENTIRE BLOG to strictly analyzing their own online support group.

Oh wait.

http://evilfuzzle.livejournal.com

Ordinarily I would just extract key posts from a blog for your viewing pleasure, but that seems to make some people upset, so I won't be doing that again until they aren't looking. Also this blog really lends itself to more of a summary format, as it's the spirit of the blog I'm trying to capture, not any particular mind-numbing post.

February 7th, 2005: Blog declared to be "Friends Only"
Did you catch that non-friends? You are not entitled to bear witness to the next post that won't appear until more than 5 months later.

July 30th, 2005: Friends cut round one
The blogging community eagerly anticipates the release of the finalised Sweet 16 list; mass suicides ensue at the news of elimination

September 9th, 2005: A twist!
People have been eliminating evilfuzzle from their friend lists! Evilfuzzle's ironclad grip on being the envy of LiveJournal is in jeopardy! Oh the humanity!!!

November 20th, 2005: Friends cut round… one?
After rightfully reclaiming his title, the remaining few with the coveted honour of residing comfortably on evilfuzzle's friend list wait with bated breath; alas, the news never arrives.

The best part of this compendium of drama-laced vanity is that it took more than 6 months to compile. Now THAT'S dedication to a cause.

Aetna are a bunch of Aesholes

Allow me to open by saying that Aetna SUCKS. Not the stub your toe or lock your keys in the car sort of sucks, but the kind of sucks that takes years of practice in the fields of incompetence and wrongdoing. The kind of sucks that turns the 2001 San Francisco 49ers (12-4) into the 2004 San Francisco 49ers (2-14), and causes the governor of Ohio to reach approval ratings so low, the people at Gallup thought them to be mathematically impossible.

I discovered one spring morning last year, to my surprise, that my four offending wisdom teeth are handled by two different factions of my beloved ex-insurance company. Courtesy of the all-orangutan policy-writing department at Aetna, my top set of third molars was a PPO issue, and the lower "impacted" (legalese for "bullshit excuse to require two separate policies") set an HMO issue. This means that in order for Aetna to cover the removal of my bottom wisdom teeth, I had to get a referral from my DOCTOR, not my DENTIST. I doubt I'm the only one here that might question why someone whose finger spends more time jabbing prostates than gumlines should be qualified to make this decision.

To compound the problem, I made the mistake of calling my doctor that same afternoon and asking the receptionist for the names and numbers of oral surgeons covered by Aetna HMO. AND, as any good receptionist knows, all words that start with "ORTHO" are the same, and she kindly provided me a totally useless list of orthoPEDIC surgeons, and not orthoDONTIC surgeons. I say "useless" because unless there is some new minimally-invasive procedure that surgically removes wisdom teeth via the foot, these people served little or no purpose in my quest. I of course had this confirmed by speaking with EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THEM.

Anyway, the upshot of all of this was that I took that Friday off to take care of the top half of my oral dilemma. It was to be an epic extravaganza of valium, percoset and baby food. Typical Friday, really, except I usually eat Wendy's.

And even today, a year later, my other two wisdom teeth perodically hammer away at my gums. I have ankle surgery scheduled for next month; hopefully that will take care of the problem.

Movie subtitles we... I'd like to see

The Lord of the Rings:


The Sea Inside:


The Elephant Man:


Why I hate blogs

More LJ fun on its way...

EDIT: Actually, no there's not. Something far more interesting and LJ-related is currently taking place. Details when I get around to it.

It's not our fault their stalls are roomier and have grips II

Part I

Olscamp Hall, one of BGSU's less derelict edifices, has by far the nicest bathrooms on campus, even for regular people. The handicapped stall, however, is as roomy as a small office, with enough floor space to spread out an entire USA Today. With the mere twitch of the eye, you can discover who the Browns are going to lose to this week, how many dollars your USA Today stock plummeted yesterday, and what Ted Danson's favourite sandwich filling is. Also, something from the other section. Anyway, once you have created your own veritable news command centre, you are in no hurry to leave it behind.

My old roommate Yatty has the same penchant for handicapped amenities as I do. On one such occasion (during class when the bathrooms are nearly always empty anyway), he succumbed to the temptation of handicapped facilities. He claims he was there for no more than 10 minutes, but it is easy to lose track of time in such comfortable surroundings. As he emerged, knowledge base still littered on the stall floor, he saw that one particular bathroom patron was rather perturbed by Yatty's ability to walk. A bewheeled student had been waiting outside for some time, unable to utilise the otherwise vacant bathroom.

Yatty sheepishly and hurriedly exited the bathroom, and was subsequently scolded by his girlfriend and others. His only crime was that he sought comfort, and pursued intellect, more than one page at a time.

Man, handicapped people get all the luck.

Oh, and the very anti-climactic end to last week's diarrhollercoaster tale is that either God heard the prayers of a miserable amusement park enthusiast, or my barren stomach had nothing left to give; I felt much better within minutes, and the day proceeded without further incident or stains.

Let us celebrate the birth of our Creator

...who turns 27 today. To commemorate this momentous occasion, here is a picture of me being rude outside the Taj Mahal:



Look familiar? Perhaps you have already seen this image on page 307 of McGraw-Hill's bestseller, Living with Art (sixth edition):



Please note that although flipping the bird is the single most cliched pseudo-tough guy stance one can take when one has a camera pointed at him, it is perfectly acceptable when done in front of a sacred monument.

Why I hate blogs

I have drawn many a shitty blog from Blogspot and Xanga's random blog searches. However, the real takers of the shitty blog cake are the GARGANTUAN attention whores over at LiveJournal. With no search feature, and a friends-only screening process, LiveJournal users can ensure that their deepest, darkest and most pointless musings be kept completely secret. Except that they are on the Internet.

Let us begin this multi-part series, with a (noun deleted) by the name of Afterthought926. Afterthought's meandering accounts of day to day life make nutrition facts seem llike literary masterpieces. She (he? it? - it's hard to tell) includes the usual "prepare to be bored to tears by my empty life" fare, and semi-frequently dots this garbage with "I am so sad and depressed and I can't stop crying and the only thing that could possibly rescue me from this cruel sea of misery is if someone comments on my blog" entries.

And, since I couldn't bear to copy and paste entire entries of the first type (you'll thank me when you read her blog), here's a few repetititve non-standouts from the latter category, just to get you in the mood:

http://afterthought926.livejournal.com/
April 4th, 2006
Well isn't that just lovely.
I don't feel like I can say anything anymore.
Can't say or do anything.
(edited for gratuitous whining)
Things seemed good.
Now I'm back to crying.
I'm so sick of everything.

March 8th, 2006
I need to learn... to never think about anything... never get my hopes up... never plan.
Nothing ever works out...
Yesterday was my good day. (added edit: Actually just a few good parts.)
Shortly after I woke up today I ended up crying.
I have had plans in mind for a while... and many times I wanted to do them... but now that I soon might be able to I don't want to.
Timing sucks.
I'm just not in the best of moods.
Maybe things will work out... but right now everything is looking pretty hopeless.
Tears.

March 22nd, 2006
Concider me dead until further notice... (a few hours or never... I'm not sure.)

Done and DONE!

NOTE: This entry has been edited for viciousness, for I am a kindly and gracious ruler of this here blog.

It's not our fault their stalls are roomier and have grips

Cedar Point, as you may know, is the most awesome place on earth. Currently ranked the number 2 amusement park in the world (thanks to the accursed Japanese taking over the top spot), and a summer day there generally guarantees a solid 10 hours of merriment. That is unless, you’re me, and you foolishly got drunk the night before and consumed a large batch of extremely spicy wings at 2 o'clock that morning.

It was the year the Millennium Force opened. No ordinary rollercoaster, the Millennium Force boasts top speeds of 93mph from a staggering height of 310 feet. Being its first year, the lines were excruciatingly long; so numerous were the gathering hoards that there was even a line to get tickets that told you when to get in line.

My girlfriend, a handful of compatriots and I had been planning this trip for some time, and at 11am (somewhere between the ticket line and the ticket ticket line) the day's outlook was cheery to say the least. Then it struck. Actually, they all struck. Every single spicy wing I'd drunkenly consumed the night before began a swift march through my intestine, setting fire to things on the way. I incoherently mumbled something about my condition, and sprinted towards the nearest bathroom, which just happened to be in one of those old-timey saloon theme bars that no one goes to because why would you? This is CEDAR POINT. There are motherfucking ROLLERCOASTERS here. Anyway, I burst through the door, and saw that the only stall available was for handicapped people. This was of little consequence to me; I charged in and barely got my pants down before my sphincter let forth an unholy canon of semi-digested wings into the unassuming bowl below. It was fortunate for me that I had come upon a handicapped stall; the grips adjacent to the toilet prevented me from being propelled heavenward by the geyser erupting from below. I cried out in agony, gripping with all my might. Quickly crossing the pain threshold, I achieved a zen-like state, almost as though I were floating above the bathroom, watching a grenade go off in someone else's colon. And when the nightmare was finally over, I emerged a tired and beaten man. The bathroom was, not surprisingly, devoid of life.

Believe it or not, this lone event was not my most major concern; during my out of body experience, I concluded that if my delicate digestive state could not cope with idly standing in line, there was NO WAY I would make it through the physical trauma of the Millennium Force's first hill without shitting all over the goddamn place. As my inescapable fate gradually became clear, I wept, and actually prayed; something I have not done since, and had not done prior, save for an elementary school playground altercation with a bully.

Perhaps even worse than the prospect of soiling my trousers at 93mph was the knowledge that I would never, EVER, be able to live it down. I would be known as the "guy who shit himself on the Millennium Force" evermore, and any argument I made on any subject, no matter how compelling, could easily be countered by reminding me of this.

ME: Well, I think that you’re wrong about President Bush’s wild fiscal spending habits not having an effect on the national debt and the future ownership of this country’s assets.
DETRACTOR: Oh yeah? Well at least I didn’t crap my pants on a rollercoaster! Haha!
(wins argument, high-fives everyone)

To be continued…

Wondering what exactly the point of this story was? Why, the importance of handicapped bathrooms of course! Join us next week for the exciting conclusion of "It's not our fault their stalls are roomier and have grips"!