The 5 H’s of Denver Driving

Imagine, if you will, a city where every motorist demonstrates the driving technique of a 90 year-old, one-eyed drunk woman who just got her license this very morning.

Imagine, if you will, a city where there are no “Keep right except to pass” signs, and in their place those that read “Hey man, just spread out and do whatever”.

The intent of this brief guide, The 5 H’s of Denver Driving, is to serve as a warning to anyone attempting to operate a motor vehicle in the Centennial state capitol. Armed with a little knowledge, visitors can identify, avoid and ultimately pass (usually on the right) many of the offending vehicles they may be forced to share the road with.

1) HIPPIES
Far too concerned with gazing upon the mountainous scenery and sharing dirt sandwiches with their 3 untrained dogs to give any thought to the road, or other drivers, the Western American hippie is to be avoided at all costs. The aggravation caused by their erratic driving is matched only by that caused by their general lack of speed; UNLESS they happen to be traveling downhill in an ’88 Toyota Camry on a 45% grade in the midst of the largest blizzard in recent history – then prepare to witness land speed records broken confidently, as though Buddha himself actually gave a shit if they plunged to their patchouli-scented demise.

Visitors can usually spot one of these filthy creatures by distinctive “Free Tibet” markings on the back of their 4 mile per gallon SUVs.

2) HICKS
Although not a poor driver by nature, the common hick (honkius trashus) is renowned for attempting to operate any vehicle they can afford, regardless of age, roadworthiness or depleted number of wheels. The hick is however occasionally aggressive; beware of what appears to be a traveling 1970 Kenmore refrigerator looming in your rearview mirror (they are a lesser species unaware of mechanical limits); it is usually better to move to the right and watch their vehicle disintegrate next to you than have it disintegrate in your trunk. Also, when traveling behind a hick, be sure to watch for debris left in the road in your path, such as small appliances or unused children. Young hicks can be particularly damaging to your front bumper/windshield.

3) HISPANICS
Or “Soccer Moms of the West”. There is a sizable subset of this ethnicity that insists on occupying the left lane of any highway at alarmingly low speeds. Perhaps it is a cultural custom that their governors are set to 48 miles per hour, or maybe the Frisbee sized tires do not allow the achievement of most state’s minimum speed. No one knows for sure.

Visitors can easily spot a slow moving Hispanic by the proclamation of his surname on the back window in Old English text. It’s not certain that this is the only culture that employs such décor, but until I see “JOHANSSEN” in that exact manor on the back of a Volvo, I will remain convinced.

4) HOMOSEXUALS and 5) HIPSTERS
Although I don’t agree with their lifestyle, I have found no consistent fault with their driving.

As for HOMOSEXUALS, I really can’t say anything derogatory of this populous group’s driving habits. Not only that, they keep the town generally clean and colour coordinated.

A last note about Hipsters however; their collective ability to aggravate travelers will increase exponentially the very minute mopeds are allowed on the highway.