Tony Tiger

Chapter I: My faviort color is blue and red

About a year ago, I masqueraded as a woman on a somewhat popular web dating service. Why, I cannot divulge, as I was laying the groundwork for a prank that got completely derailed (for reasons that will soon be made apparent), and I may want to restart those efforts in the future. What I can tell to you, dear reader, is the astonishing display of male desperation I experienced within minutes of posting my picture and brief profile. And when I say "my picture", I'm actually referring to a "Hometown Hottie" I dubbed Heather (there are no ugly Heathers in the world, so it made sense).

During the week I spent preparing my potentially life-ruining prank, I was forced to systematically ignore at least 15 daily requests for dates. I was wooed by all manner of suitors, from shirtless, cheesy douches to pimply, lonely beggars. I convinced myself that the only way I could be accused of being in the least bit gay for doing this would be to reply, so I never did - even when I received the first of four literary masterpieces from "Tony Tiger".

There is not much that I can say about this man that he did not foolishly impart himself, so I'll let his words speak for him. I no longer have a picture associated with his profile, so as you're reading this, imagine Fred Durst's autistic younger brother. It won't be hard, trust me.

Dear Heather,
I fell you I hate being alone no body to love me or share my fellings with.. or hang out with or do things ... I have a good job i make about $12.00 and hour... well any ways ever thing is going good and i am trying to save a car and aww that stuff but.. one thing i am missing the most it is a girl in my life and I am a loveing guy and a sweet man. I am 5'4 and weigh about 150lbs I am a short guy because I have shorts prents and I have blond hair and blue eyes... I am trying to find my soul mate.. And when I get with a girl I will treat her good.. I like I want to make a kid down the futher... because I relly do love kids.. but I want to make it... It will make me happy... well any ways I like basketball and vollyball and track and swimming and I love camping and love the out doors... I want to sky dive before i grow old... And I like action and comdy movies and scare ones too.. I love to dance and also like to drity dance too I am a pretty good dancer... I used to be in boy scouts I am in a eagle scout .. I became egale when i turn 17... my faviort color is blue and red.. my second color is red becuase it is a shape of love and heart... I also like soft ball and I like to do ever it is fun to do.. I am a open mind person... I am 26 years old I just turn my birthday was August 18 and now i am 26... sooo if you like me ..And what I am.. Could I have a date with you or have your nummber? Because it will be kind of cool to hang out...I want to get out of the house it sucks bieng by your self and alone well any ways it was nice to write you I hope you have a nice night... but if you want my nummber i can give it to you if you want me too.... well talk you then... p.s. here is my e-mail address ok
[email address deleted]
well see you around...

If your eyes have recovered from this clusterfuck of misspelled words and grammatical errors, I will now extract some of his more pertinent statements for analysis and discussion. Ready? Then let's begin.

I fell you
Fell: verb. To cut down or slay. This kind of talk might work in your DnD role-playing games buddy, but it’s not good pre-first date rhetoric.

I have a good job i make about $12.00 and hour
Twelve dollars an hour, well worth mentioning in his third sentence. I wonder if he took Heather to Wendy’s for their first date, she'd be allowed TWO 99 cent items. Oh, the philanthropy!

and i am trying to save a car and aww that stuff
I'm assuming the word he was attempting was "all". Either that, or he dropped "that stuff" on his foot in mid-sentence, and with the correct punctuation, this statement would read, "…and I am trying to save a car and – AWW! THAT STUFF!!!"

I am a short guy because I have shorts prents
Short prents sound more like an embarrassing medical condition than a genetic trait.

I like I want to make a kid down the futher... because I relly do love kids.. but I want to make it...
Clearly, Tony Tiger watched far too much MacGyver as a child. Perhaps on our third or fourth date we can construct a child together out of a cococnut, 3 Pixie Sticks and a pencil sharpener.

I love to dance and also like to drity dance
Kids today and their drity dancing.

my faviort color is blue and red..
That's two colours, Michelangelo.

my second color is red becuase it is a shape of love and heart...
That's a real coincidence, since my favourite shape is blue.

I want to get out of the house it sucks bieng by your self and alone
I hadn't gathered that from the four other times he mentioned he had no one to share his "fellings" with. Perpetual desperation is so sexy!

Well, that's it for this entry. Be sure to check back soon for Tony Tiger's description of his dream date – "Chapter 2: I would take you to the park and flod out a blekent"