A short list of things that piss me off
Volume I: Things that should never be said. Ever.
"I’ll do anything, because I’m just SOOO crazy!" (Formerly "crazy like that!")
I have no idea if self-obsessed college prostitute types still spout this ridiculous claim; younger readers (or readers with friends) can confirm or disconfirm its pervasiveness today. Fact is, crazy isn't getting all skanked out and approaching some stranger at "da club". Crazy is jerking off in your own feces and eating it. Big difference.
Substitute Swear Words
Hey check me out guys, I’m so painfully rebellious that I’m going to use a bad word. But before you ask, "Oh Vyvyan Basterd, won’t that get you into trouble with your parents/boss/teacher/clergyman?", get this: the word I’m actually going to use only sounds like a swear word, such as "frickin’" and "heck". Then everyone will think I’m just as cool without me offending anyone! Right guyz?!
"No Vyvyan Basterd, that makes you a fucking dork."
Goshdarn it.
"WOOOOOOOO…!"
Heard often (and by often, I mean every 15-30 seconds) at idiotic social gatherings, the "WOOO!" seems to primarily accompany the following:
1. the consumption of a shot.
2. the sight of exposed breasts.
3. the sight of something sparkly.
In depth study has also revealed that whatever the extra chromosome is that encourages a person to indulge in that godawful racket also causes the index finger to be raised as if to say "we’re number one". Since there is rarely a pertaining contest involved, researchers can only assume that the woooer is rightfully comparing himself to urine.
Movie/TV quotes beaten into the ground
"Alrighty then" begets "Yeah Baby" begets "I’m Rick James, Bitch!" begets "Giggity giggity giggity".
Since the dawn of televised entertainment, there have been countless unoriginal dickheads to remind their friends that they can memorize simple phrases they learned from the picture box. It is a crying shame when you hear a line that was once hilarious repeated by every bar-hopping mongoloid and hillbilly within earshot. Oh Dave Chapelle, why did once laughing at your genius now make me feel so… common?
Extreme solutions
If a cereal is "extreme", it's for held back third-graders, and if a photocopier is a "business solution", it barely works, and only solves problems I didn't have. Either way, any time the only marketing scheme employed by a group of mental midgets (that can only get jobs as marketers) consists of buzzwords, the product can immediately be defined as "useless" or "shit-tasting".
"It takes more muscles to frown than smile…"
Yes, and it takes more muscles to do situps than to sit on your judgmental ass and tell me what expressions I can and cannot make. I say your droopy face could use the exercise.
"You didn't bless me!"
No, I didn't, and I won't. The act of blessing someone after sneezing is an archaic practice dating back to the black plague's rampant eradication of the European population. Since a sudden body movement as simple as a sneeze could trigger the fatal effects of the disease, it was important to ensure their blessing, just in case that act was their last. In summation, I didn't bless you because doing so hasn’t been pertinent for 700 years, you stupid shit, and I won't start until I see a significant number of corpses being pushed through downtown Denver in wheelbarrows.
Holla!
And finally, yet another hip hop extract to be made all the dumber by cultureless white people, “Holla” is no civilized way to end a conversation, paragraph or cover letter. A bona fide mating call for the mentally challenged, one who initiates the holla can only hope that a potential mate will “Holla back”, and the two can then drool all over each other’s Velcro shoes in single digit IQ bliss.
"A short list of things that piss me off" will continue soon with "Volume II: Conversational No-No's".
"I’ll do anything, because I’m just SOOO crazy!" (Formerly "crazy like that!")
I have no idea if self-obsessed college prostitute types still spout this ridiculous claim; younger readers (or readers with friends) can confirm or disconfirm its pervasiveness today. Fact is, crazy isn't getting all skanked out and approaching some stranger at "da club". Crazy is jerking off in your own feces and eating it. Big difference.
Substitute Swear Words
Hey check me out guys, I’m so painfully rebellious that I’m going to use a bad word. But before you ask, "Oh Vyvyan Basterd, won’t that get you into trouble with your parents/boss/teacher/clergyman?", get this: the word I’m actually going to use only sounds like a swear word, such as "frickin’" and "heck". Then everyone will think I’m just as cool without me offending anyone! Right guyz?!
"No Vyvyan Basterd, that makes you a fucking dork."
Goshdarn it.
"WOOOOOOOO…!"
Heard often (and by often, I mean every 15-30 seconds) at idiotic social gatherings, the "WOOO!" seems to primarily accompany the following:
1. the consumption of a shot.
2. the sight of exposed breasts.
3. the sight of something sparkly.
In depth study has also revealed that whatever the extra chromosome is that encourages a person to indulge in that godawful racket also causes the index finger to be raised as if to say "we’re number one". Since there is rarely a pertaining contest involved, researchers can only assume that the woooer is rightfully comparing himself to urine.
Movie/TV quotes beaten into the ground
"Alrighty then" begets "Yeah Baby" begets "I’m Rick James, Bitch!" begets "Giggity giggity giggity".
Since the dawn of televised entertainment, there have been countless unoriginal dickheads to remind their friends that they can memorize simple phrases they learned from the picture box. It is a crying shame when you hear a line that was once hilarious repeated by every bar-hopping mongoloid and hillbilly within earshot. Oh Dave Chapelle, why did once laughing at your genius now make me feel so… common?
Extreme solutions
If a cereal is "extreme", it's for held back third-graders, and if a photocopier is a "business solution", it barely works, and only solves problems I didn't have. Either way, any time the only marketing scheme employed by a group of mental midgets (that can only get jobs as marketers) consists of buzzwords, the product can immediately be defined as "useless" or "shit-tasting".
"It takes more muscles to frown than smile…"
Yes, and it takes more muscles to do situps than to sit on your judgmental ass and tell me what expressions I can and cannot make. I say your droopy face could use the exercise.
"You didn't bless me!"
No, I didn't, and I won't. The act of blessing someone after sneezing is an archaic practice dating back to the black plague's rampant eradication of the European population. Since a sudden body movement as simple as a sneeze could trigger the fatal effects of the disease, it was important to ensure their blessing, just in case that act was their last. In summation, I didn't bless you because doing so hasn’t been pertinent for 700 years, you stupid shit, and I won't start until I see a significant number of corpses being pushed through downtown Denver in wheelbarrows.
Holla!
And finally, yet another hip hop extract to be made all the dumber by cultureless white people, “Holla” is no civilized way to end a conversation, paragraph or cover letter. A bona fide mating call for the mentally challenged, one who initiates the holla can only hope that a potential mate will “Holla back”, and the two can then drool all over each other’s Velcro shoes in single digit IQ bliss.
"A short list of things that piss me off" will continue soon with "Volume II: Conversational No-No's".
posted by Vyvyan Basterd at 9:49 PM
4 Comments:
*hangs head in shame*
i say holla..but mostly as a joke.
word to the "WOOOO!" screams "i'm a frat brother and that's all my dense head can come up with for anything"
you forgot all Nap-D quotes in your qute section homie!
Former "SOOOOO crazy" girl here. Yep, I sucked/rocked all at the same time.
Holla! Yeah I do that too, except I have no excuse, I just...well I like it. There, I said it.
i don't know what sort of idiotic social gatherings you're at where there are shots being done and breasts being exposed, but feel free to invite me next time. i'll put with the wooooing.
Shots naturally lead to exposed breasts, that's just science.
But nothing ruins a good pair of titties like some jerkoff yelling 'WOOO' in your ear upon first sight.
We must stand united against this, THERE IS NO PUTTING UP WITH WOOOERS
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