A short list of things that piss me off II
Volume I
Volume II: Conversational No-Nos
The art of conversation is not easy to master, although many make several foolish attempts on a daily basis. In this edition of "A short list of things that piss me off", let's take a look, in no particular order, at frequent mistakes the uneducated masses make while involved in convo.
Using the word "convo"
Really, there's no excuse for this. Two extra syllables to not sound like an idiot shoudn't be too much to ask. You don't see me taking Hilary Duff calendars into the bathromm for a quick "masto".
"What's up" is not a real question
There's nothing more disconcerting at 9:05 on a Monday morning than absent-mindedly mumbling at a co-worker, "What's up?" and actually being told, what is, in fact, up.
Ah, the weather. There seems to be no end to the willingness of strangers to discuss this timeless phenomenon. I can only imagine what causes some elderly bastard to think I need it pointed out to me that it's cold in mid-January, or it's "hot out there, yes sir" in July. Welcome to the Northern hemisphere, you old fuck.
Of course, the elderly are not the only ones guilty of this particular verbal crime (and who can really blame them for soliciting conversation; they don't realise nobody ever listens to them because they're so BORING. But that's for a different list). I have wasted many a minute of valuable work time in conference calls by having to sit through tedious weather-oriented debates. Why clients feel the need to expound on how warm it is where they are today, how warm it was yesterday and how warm it usually is, is a mystery to me, especially since the entire conversation is TAKING PLACE INSIDE.
"That's what I think. But my perfectly sweet and awesome girlfriend always says…"
I am sick and tired of hearing twice the drivel from people that can't separate themselves from their loved one. If you like this person so much, why don't you marry them? And if you did marry them, kindly mold your opinions into one, so that any conversation with you I happen to have the misfortune of being involved in doesn't include my opinions, your opinions and guest star your Shmoopie Woopie's opinions.
"Can you sweep that up real quick? THANKS!"
Let it be decreed that anytime a manager instructs an employee to perform a task, there must be at least a 2-second gap before thanking said employee. It is impolite to assume he or she is going to blindly accept orders without any opportunity for insubordination.
CELEBS: "I think Brad/Tom/Ben and Jennifer/Nicole/Jennifer were perfect for each other"
There are four errors in the title of this section. Can you name them?
STAND. THE FUCK. BACK. If I move away from you, it's because you either smell, you're spitting on me when you talk, or you’re boring and I'm trying to sneakily escape – so don't just come closer, that's a waste of everybody’s time.
The awkward silence
It is said that every seven minutes or so, there is some sort of gap in conversation. I have noticed this to be somewhat true, but without impeding the dialogue, and often allowing for a shift to a new, equally interesting topic.
Now imagine a gap that occurs every 10-15 seconds, and whereas one party sees it simply as an awkward silence, the other party (usually me) recognizes it as a cue the conversation is over, if, indeed, it ever actually started. If I'm staring through you blankly, and muttering only "yep", that's secret code for "Get the fuck away from my desk."
NOTE: These transgressions during a telephone conversation are approximately 10 times worse. There is no shame in just hanging up.
The high-five
Developed around 5 billion BC, the high-hive predates grunting and the clubbing/dragging of women to caves. It is the lowest form of communication imaginable, and yet it has persisted to the point of me having to attend every sporting event with my arms folded, lest some stranger try to touch me when "our" team does something right. Also, beware of anyone yelling "WOOO!!!" (see Volume I for details); they will probably try to high-five you upon making eye contact, so keep your eyes to the floor and hands firmly in your pockets.
My anti-high-five stance does not, however, apply to small children. It is acceptable to high-five someone who has an excuse for having a smaller, undeveloped brain, as it is one of the few ways communication is actually possible. High-fiving dogs is cool too. And two dogs high-fiving each other would be awesome.
And finally…
People who think you need to know what they're saying, even though they're not talking to you
The only thing worse than having to participate in an idiotic conversation is having to hear someone else's. I used to work for this douchebag who paraded around the office every time someone contacted him on his fucking walkie-talkie so that we could all hear how painfully and mind-numbingly interesting he was. Next time I encounter one of those sorts, I'm going to have a even louder simultaneous telephone conversation with my "doctor" about the "warts I just discovered on my balls".
Be sure to join us next time for the 3rd installment edition of "A short list of things that piss me off", entitled "I hate going to the fucking grocery store".
Volume II: Conversational No-Nos
The art of conversation is not easy to master, although many make several foolish attempts on a daily basis. In this edition of "A short list of things that piss me off", let's take a look, in no particular order, at frequent mistakes the uneducated masses make while involved in convo.
Using the word "convo"
Really, there's no excuse for this. Two extra syllables to not sound like an idiot shoudn't be too much to ask. You don't see me taking Hilary Duff calendars into the bathromm for a quick "masto".
"What's up" is not a real question
There's nothing more disconcerting at 9:05 on a Monday morning than absent-mindedly mumbling at a co-worker, "What's up?" and actually being told, what is, in fact, up.
GOOD FORM"Sure is cold out today!"
ME: What's up
YOU: Not much / Nothing – how are you?
ME: K.
BAD FORM
ME: What's up
YOU: I had the worst weekend ever! First our dog shit all over the carpet, then my mom came into town unexpectedly, and did I tell you about that girl I was seeing? It turns out she's getting back together with her old boyfriend, and… hey, what are you doing? Wow, I've never seen anyone try to pull off their own ears before!
Ah, the weather. There seems to be no end to the willingness of strangers to discuss this timeless phenomenon. I can only imagine what causes some elderly bastard to think I need it pointed out to me that it's cold in mid-January, or it's "hot out there, yes sir" in July. Welcome to the Northern hemisphere, you old fuck.
Of course, the elderly are not the only ones guilty of this particular verbal crime (and who can really blame them for soliciting conversation; they don't realise nobody ever listens to them because they're so BORING. But that's for a different list). I have wasted many a minute of valuable work time in conference calls by having to sit through tedious weather-oriented debates. Why clients feel the need to expound on how warm it is where they are today, how warm it was yesterday and how warm it usually is, is a mystery to me, especially since the entire conversation is TAKING PLACE INSIDE.
"That's what I think. But my perfectly sweet and awesome girlfriend always says…"
I am sick and tired of hearing twice the drivel from people that can't separate themselves from their loved one. If you like this person so much, why don't you marry them? And if you did marry them, kindly mold your opinions into one, so that any conversation with you I happen to have the misfortune of being involved in doesn't include my opinions, your opinions and guest star your Shmoopie Woopie's opinions.
"Can you sweep that up real quick? THANKS!"
Let it be decreed that anytime a manager instructs an employee to perform a task, there must be at least a 2-second gap before thanking said employee. It is impolite to assume he or she is going to blindly accept orders without any opportunity for insubordination.
BAD FORM
MANAGER ROB: Dan, can you get me a sweep through here? THANKS!
EMPLOYEE VYV: Bu.. I.. uh… umm…OK.
GOOD FORM
MANAGER ROB: Dan, can you get me a sweep through here?
EMPLOYEE VYV: Instead, how about I split that broom in two, shove the splintery end up your ass and make you into a tripod?
MANAGER ROB: Than… oh. Uh… umm… Chris, can you get me a sweep through here?
There are four errors in the title of this section. Can you name them?
1. The word "celebs"Close-talking or "space invading"
This is an awful, awful word. Is it so hard to add the "rities" and NOT sound like a vapid, fame-obsessed retard?
2. Referring to people you don’t know by their first names.
Just because you have paid countless dollars to observe their careers unfold to a more successful degree than yours, does not make the two of you friends. It is, however, acceptable for them to refer to YOU by your first name at your place of employment, as it is probably written on your shirt.
3. Believing that a 5 sentence, monosyllabic article in "US Weekly" provides you with all the complex relationship analysis you need to pass judgment on its success/failure.
"But they were so cute…" SHUT UP.
4. No one cares what you think.
STAND. THE FUCK. BACK. If I move away from you, it's because you either smell, you're spitting on me when you talk, or you’re boring and I'm trying to sneakily escape – so don't just come closer, that's a waste of everybody’s time.
The awkward silence
It is said that every seven minutes or so, there is some sort of gap in conversation. I have noticed this to be somewhat true, but without impeding the dialogue, and often allowing for a shift to a new, equally interesting topic.
Now imagine a gap that occurs every 10-15 seconds, and whereas one party sees it simply as an awkward silence, the other party (usually me) recognizes it as a cue the conversation is over, if, indeed, it ever actually started. If I'm staring through you blankly, and muttering only "yep", that's secret code for "Get the fuck away from my desk."
NOTE: These transgressions during a telephone conversation are approximately 10 times worse. There is no shame in just hanging up.
The high-five
Developed around 5 billion BC, the high-hive predates grunting and the clubbing/dragging of women to caves. It is the lowest form of communication imaginable, and yet it has persisted to the point of me having to attend every sporting event with my arms folded, lest some stranger try to touch me when "our" team does something right. Also, beware of anyone yelling "WOOO!!!" (see Volume I for details); they will probably try to high-five you upon making eye contact, so keep your eyes to the floor and hands firmly in your pockets.
My anti-high-five stance does not, however, apply to small children. It is acceptable to high-five someone who has an excuse for having a smaller, undeveloped brain, as it is one of the few ways communication is actually possible. High-fiving dogs is cool too. And two dogs high-fiving each other would be awesome.
And finally…
People who think you need to know what they're saying, even though they're not talking to you
The only thing worse than having to participate in an idiotic conversation is having to hear someone else's. I used to work for this douchebag who paraded around the office every time someone contacted him on his fucking walkie-talkie so that we could all hear how painfully and mind-numbingly interesting he was. Next time I encounter one of those sorts, I'm going to have a even louder simultaneous telephone conversation with my "doctor" about the "warts I just discovered on my balls".
Be sure to join us next time for the 3rd installment edition of "A short list of things that piss me off", entitled "I hate going to the fucking grocery store".
posted by Vyvyan Basterd at 1:53 PM
2 Comments:
Masto...awesome...even though you were mocking it...I LOVE IT. Im using it. In fact Im going to Masto right now. Ok fine maybe not...but I will later for sure!
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