F.R.C. Sheila on "Frugal Christmas spending"
Attention new readers (and old readers with damaged memory receptors): Click here for a detailed introduction to my favourite relative of all time, my fat retarded cousin Sheila.
Oftentimes, what a birthday or Christmas gift lacks in material value is made up for in its thoughtfulness. This is not the case with FRC Sheila, whose gifts generally lack both value and thought. For my 19th birthday, for example, rather than spend any actual time or money in an attempt to convert me to the God Squad, she merely taped YES FM (a Christian propaganda radio station) for 90 minutes. She then wrapped the tape in tissue paper, and presented it to me with the accompanying dramatics of one handing over the keys to a brand new Lamborghini. Even this semi-worthless gift would have been acceptable if she was recording anything in particular; oh no, not Sheila; Side A began in the MIDDLE OF A FUCKING COMMERCIAL BREAK. She wasn't even listening to what she was taping.
Fast forward seven years to just this last Christmas. For once, Sheila had the good sense to consult with my mother on gift choices for myself and my sister. Her plan at that point was to purchase us both inspirational CDs from the Dollar Store. I cannot attest as to the musical quality of these CDs though, as I'm fairly certain all inspirational music comes from the Dollar Store. I will never know now, because thankfully, my mum talked her out of it.
What she suggested instead, considering FRC's fantastically limited budget, was that she purchase "consumables".
Predictably, Sheila asked, "Consumables? You mean, like, food?", in that dopey voice of hers.
"Well, no, not necessarily", my mum replied, "A consumable is anything you use and throw away."
"Use and throw away… use and throw away…"
I'm sure those words bounced around aimlessly for hours in FRC's spacious skull.
"Use and throw away…"
Finally Christmas arrived, and I received word on Sheila's final gift purchases. She bought my sister a packet of feminine napkins and me a roll of toilet paper.
Oftentimes, what a birthday or Christmas gift lacks in material value is made up for in its thoughtfulness. This is not the case with FRC Sheila, whose gifts generally lack both value and thought. For my 19th birthday, for example, rather than spend any actual time or money in an attempt to convert me to the God Squad, she merely taped YES FM (a Christian propaganda radio station) for 90 minutes. She then wrapped the tape in tissue paper, and presented it to me with the accompanying dramatics of one handing over the keys to a brand new Lamborghini. Even this semi-worthless gift would have been acceptable if she was recording anything in particular; oh no, not Sheila; Side A began in the MIDDLE OF A FUCKING COMMERCIAL BREAK. She wasn't even listening to what she was taping.
Fast forward seven years to just this last Christmas. For once, Sheila had the good sense to consult with my mother on gift choices for myself and my sister. Her plan at that point was to purchase us both inspirational CDs from the Dollar Store. I cannot attest as to the musical quality of these CDs though, as I'm fairly certain all inspirational music comes from the Dollar Store. I will never know now, because thankfully, my mum talked her out of it.
What she suggested instead, considering FRC's fantastically limited budget, was that she purchase "consumables".
Predictably, Sheila asked, "Consumables? You mean, like, food?", in that dopey voice of hers.
"Well, no, not necessarily", my mum replied, "A consumable is anything you use and throw away."
"Use and throw away… use and throw away…"
I'm sure those words bounced around aimlessly for hours in FRC's spacious skull.
"Use and throw away…"
Finally Christmas arrived, and I received word on Sheila's final gift purchases. She bought my sister a packet of feminine napkins and me a roll of toilet paper.
posted by Vyvyan Basterd at 10:06 PM
5 Comments:
No way. Honestly? AMAZING. Next year for the holidays I think you should buy her a box of condoms...that will teach her to buy you tp.
I think the last thing we should be doing is encouraging retards to fornicate.
You know she is not going to use them...well at least not for sex purposes...c'mon now.
shock value - priceless
i'd say buy her a pack of fleet enema's.
I could buy her a new puke bucket, but that's another story...
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