Dear "That's My Bush"...

Oh, how great you could have been.

Why I hate blogs

After literally minutes of scouring the Internet, I think I have finally discovered the Antibasterd. The poor sod in question is one Matthew Reynolds of Knoxville, Tennessee, a devoted young Christian eager to discover God's plan for him. Here's what he had to say about God's plan for... blogs?

http://vfc-freshman.blogspot.com/
February 9th, 2006
Blogs are for honoring. I am now convinced of that. Examples: Joanna honoring CJ Mahaney, Kevin's honoring of Jill, Jenn, Craig, and Adam (kinda), Leslie honoring Laura, Leslie honoring herself through Cap's blog, Jill honoring someone every other post, and so on and so on. After thinking about that I am convinced that I need to honor someone. Actually, I'll make it a habit.

Oh Matthew, you silly person. Blogs are for ridicule and hurting people's feelings! Also, here's Matthew demonstrating his unique skill with the ladies:

February 13th, 2006
Thanks to any girls reading this (and those that aren't). You all are a gift from God. Seriously, we don't just say that because it's that time of year again. We admire your Godliness. We respect your humility in serving and your desire to grow in Godliness. I think it's amazing to see girls that won't let anything come between them and serving and loving the Lord. I am amazed at God's work in your lives. God has really been faithful to give us amazing, Godly, and humble sisters. Be encouraged! God is working in your lives. We see it all the time!

Whatever happened to more simple pickup lines, such as "Do your pants have mirrors?" I was under the impression that those still worked. And finally, it's been a long time since I've dabbled in poetry, but I'm certain this ode he wrote to his friend is utter shit:

February 16th, 2006
John Mason is really cool
Even When he plays pool
He can be kinda nice
With all that hair he must have lice
John Mason can me really mean
At least he keeps it clean

I highly suggest you visit his blog for more of his innocuous views on existence. Hell, if I had a heart, I'd probably feel bad for the poor fuck.

The Basterd Files will be on hiatus until Thursday of this week, as business has me travelling to Goddamned Dallas for three Goddamned days. Matthew, don't read that last sentence.