Bring tha Boise!

Just over a year ago, I considered vacating the mountains of Denver, Colorado in favour of other mountains in Boise, Idaho. The decision was not an easy one, and a situation as serious as that required the most intensive research tool known to humankind – A CHART.

Who will prove victorious (those of you with any reading comprehension skills already know the answer to this)? The elitist gay-friendly masses of Denver, home of Superbowl champs the Broncos? Or the totally-white-except-for-our-three-teeth-and-git-yer-ass-outta-here-fagit inhabitants of Boise, home of Chicken Dinner Road and stores that sell "Fire Woob"? That's right, Fire Woob! (Understandably, often-times Marquis signs substitute letters when tiles are in short supply, but that doesn't matter, because this sign was HAND-PAINTED).

Anyway, without further ado, behold this, the culmination of LITERALLY MINUTES of minimal research, prejudiced viewpoints and naughty words:

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
EMPLOYMENT	Got a job.	Ain't got no job.	Denver
RELATIONSHIP STATUS	Ain't got no bitch.	Got a bitch.	Boi... Den... Boise.

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
RESIDENTS	Arrogant elitists that believe all non-Denverites are brain-dead yokels with more fingers than teeth.	Brain-dead yokels with more fingers than teeth.*	Tie
DARKIES	More of the kind that negatively affect property value (Black, Mexican).	More of the kind that don't affect property value (Indian, Chinese Japanese).**	Boise
POOFTAHS	True, a large gay community speaks of a clean and safe environment. It is also true that the exterior design of the whole town will match, using a delightfully subtle, yet spunky color palette. However, it can be disconcerting to be the recipient of countless whistles from large groups of sissified "men" EVERY TIME I TRY TO RIDE MY BIKE THROUGH THE GODDAMNED PARK.	No Pooftahs.	Tie
VOTING HABITS	Blue town, Red state.	Red town, Red state.	Denver
CHRISTIAN RADIO?	Yes	Yes	There are no winners in Christian radio.

*EDITOR'S GIRLFRIEND'S NOTE: This is a little harsh, don't you think? AND is not at all accurate, Boise clearly wins out here.
EDITOR'S NOTE: Whatever, you don't like it, make your OWN damn chart.

**You may be asking yourself, "Are there really that many Indians, Chinese and Japanese people in Boise?" In short, no, but listing "None" and still declaring Boise the winner would have sounded just a little bit racist.

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
EFFECTS OF ALTITUDE AND HUMIDITY ON LIFESTYLE	Failure to consume 8 pints of water after every blueberry daiquiri leads inevitably to suicide-inducing hangovers.	2 Grey Goose Presbytirians, 1 Captain and Coke and a shot of Jager lead to morning queasiness. No further research conducted, but outlook is good.	Boise
PROXIMITY TO MOUNTAINS	Further, more of a nuisance for skiing and snowboarding endeavors	Closer, more of a nuisance because of skiers and snowboarders.	Tie. Mountains are for aesthetic purposes only.
PROXIMITY TO CITIES OF VARYING REPUTE	Portland, OR - Far San Francisco, CA - Really far Vancouver, BC - Really incredibly fucking far Salt Lake City, UT - 534mi	Portland, OR - 430mi San Francisco, CA - 640mi Vancouver, BC - 638mi Salt Lake City, UT - Who cares? See above.*	Boise, Boise, Boise, and Boise.
ARYAN NATIONS COMPOUND WITHIN 250 MILES?	No	Yes	Denver
TIME ZONE	Mountain	Mountain	There are no winners in Mountain Time.

*To you Easterners, these distances may ALL seem extensive, but they're not, and you are wrong.

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
HOUSING PRICES	Standard refrigerator box runs at least $180,000.	Really nice refrigerator boxes available for around 4 dollars.	Boise
CAR REGISTRATION	Requires bank loan	Requires $35	Boise

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
BW-3?	Yes	No	Denver

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
FOOTBALL	Broncos tend to do well and are exciting to watch.	Broncos tend to do well and are exciting to watch.	Tie
MOST TALENTED MUSICAL ACTS TO PLAY AREA IN LAST 6 MONTHS	Gwar Clutch Fu Manchu Twelve Tribes	Rod Stewart	Denver
SPEAKING OF GWAR...	2 venues per tour	1 venue per tour	Denver

	DENVER	BOISE	WINNER
MOST INTERESTINGLY NAMED CONVENIENCE STORE	"King Soopers"	"The Gittin' Place"	Boise

And so there you have it, folks. By using a scoring system I completely made up, Boise, representing the Gem State, upsets the favourite, Denver, representing the... umm... Colorado, by a score of 10 to 6.

Eat that shit sandwich, Elway!