KKK Prank

Credit goes to my good friend Colin for devising this practical joke; I only wish we'd got around to perpetrating it against our perfect target, my old roommate Superdave. Alas, marijuana proved itself once again to be the enemy of ambition, so now I pass the prank along to you, dear readers, in the hopes that it does not die unrealised.

What you'll need:
1 Victim – Preferably a total sissy, or at least one that scares easily. Must be sleeping at time of execution
4 Assailants (this can vary depending on availability)
4 white pillowcases (1 per assailant)
4 white sheets (1 per assailant)
4-8 tube socks (1-2 per assailant)
4-8 bars of soap (1-2 per assailant)
Scissors
Pins (optional)

Preparation:
Cut eyeholes in each pillowcase. Cut or pin each sheet so as to appear a robe. Keep in mind that swift movement is of paramount importance, so the eyeholes must be aligned correctly for unhindered view, and the robe must allow for speedy adornment. Place a bar of soap in each tube sock, forcing it down to the toe.

Kenny Klansman says: Make sure you use WHITE sheets. Even the most timid of victims isn’t going to fear an attack from a lavender gang covered in “My Little Pony” logos.

Directions:
The attack should be waged a good hour after the victim has fallen asleep to ensure deepest possible slumber. Assailants #2, #3 and #4 don their robes and hoods, while Assailant #1 (preferably the best acquainted with the victim) remains in street clothes, but with costume nearby.

Kenny Klansman says: The following steps must be executed with lightning speed and precision. Familiarise yourself with the procedure, and practice, practice, practice! If you print out these instructions in the hopes of referencing them in mid-attack, the joke will be on you, friends!

All four assailants wait outside the victim's bedroom door. When ready, Assailant #1 bursts into the room, screaming frantically, "GET UP (victim's name)! THE FUCKING KLAN IS HERE! I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON… FUCKING GET UP!!!" Or words to that effect. Assailant #1 should hurriedly exit the room, still screaming, and immediately don his Klan garments.

Kenny Klansman says: Since the purpose of this initial exercise is to confuse the victim, throwing random nouns such as "TABLECLOTH" and "BIKE LOCK" into your ravings may enhance the effect.

Now the REAL fun begins. Hopefully your victim is still in a sleep-induced stupor, desperately trying to make sense of Assailant #1's crazed ramblings. Before he can achieve any level of conscious thought, however, ALL assailants charge into the room, proclaiming such unpleasantries as "YER GUNNA DIE FAGIT!" The assailants then must perform a choreographed routine in which the victim is simultaneously dragged off his bed (perhaps out of the room even!) and struck with the weighted socks. Of course, the insulting and threatening should continue throughout this process.

Kenny Klansman says: Remember, the idea is to terrify your victim, not injure him. Be careful to avoid any vital organs whilst pummeling.

Once the beatings have produced a satisfactory response from the victim, i.e. he has begun crying, shat himself, or both, the time has come to reveal the nature of your ruse. As soon as your victim realises it was not, in fact, the Klan pummeling him within an inch of his life, and actually his good friends, you'd better beware… of some hearty laughs! You'll all be recounting this story for years to come, and it's one he'll be telling the grandkids with a smile on his face every time!!!*

*Unless you destroyed his ability to reproduce via repeated blows to the scrotum.