F.R.C. Sheila on "Being a good Christian"
Since this is the first in a few tales of the human oddity that is F.R.C. Sheila, allow me to begin with a brief introduction.
She is:
FAT – At around 300 pounds, she’s not quite massive enough for stationary objects to form immediate elliptical orbit around her as she approaches. However, she DOES attract all sorts of the wrong attention by parading down Main Street in nothing more than a skimpy bathing suit. I’m sure that was quite a memorable sight to behold, even despite the daily antics of assorted weirdoes that occupy that same stretch of road.
RETARDED – Before I get a lot of shit for being unsympathetic to the mentally challenged, let me assure you that Sheila is not your typical "'OMG THAT IS SOOO SAD' HBO documentary" retard. In fact, the government doesn’t even recognize her as having developmental disabilities. She does, however, boast an IQ that floats in the mid-sixties, and has the personality of a mean-spirited, selfish 10 year-old. She has systematically made herself unwelcome among all members of the extended family, the only remaining person enjoying her company being me, and for all the wrong and amoral reasons.
My COUSIN – We have similar chromosomes, but not too similar, thankfully. Also, I have the right number.
So there she is in a very rotund nutshell, my fat retarded cousin Sheila, or F.R.C. Sheila, if you're into the whole brevity thing. And now, if I may, I would like to spin you a yarn about our curious friend.
For the purposes of this particular tale, it is helpful to know just a couple of specifics. First, Sheila is EXTREMELY greedy, and has been known to walk into people's homes, open their fridge and remove entire cakes for her immediate consumption. Also, she LOOOOVES Jesus (as many people with double-digit IQ's do, I've noticed) and will take every opportunity to remind of you of this, even when her actions clearly fall under the heading of precisely “What Jesus Would Not Do”.
One of my favourite activities as a youth (and probably now too, if I still lived anywhere close), and certainly the only way to make family gatherings (read: bible thumpfest) bearable, was to get good and fucked up and engage FRC in debate. She was always happy to oblige, and my temporary loss of brain power always seemed to match her permanent one, with hilarious results.
One Thanksgiving, Sheila and I found ourselves alone at the dinner table after an epic feast. She had just been clamoring for, and received, the last piece of pumpkin pie, and as I watched her with Discovery Channel-like interest, I decided to test her on her devotion to the teachings of Christ.
"So, Sheila", I hesitantly began, "You're into Jesus and God and all that stuff right?"
"Yeah", Sheila mumbled, mouth teeming with pie.
"And you live your life by the Jesus' teachings, right?"
"Yeah", she responded still chewing furiously.
"Because", I continued, "I was just wondering, if there was a starving child... and you... and one piece of pie left, would you, you know, do the Christian thing?" (the word "hypothetical" had long escaped my vocabulary in a smoky haze).
Sheila was clearly deepish in thought. After a moment's silence, and not chewing, she delivered quite a blow to my logic sensors.
"It depends."
In pure disbelief, I spat, "It DEPENDS? DEPENDS ON WHAT?"
Calm as a coma, she replied,
"Depends on what kind of pie."
She is:
FAT – At around 300 pounds, she’s not quite massive enough for stationary objects to form immediate elliptical orbit around her as she approaches. However, she DOES attract all sorts of the wrong attention by parading down Main Street in nothing more than a skimpy bathing suit. I’m sure that was quite a memorable sight to behold, even despite the daily antics of assorted weirdoes that occupy that same stretch of road.
RETARDED – Before I get a lot of shit for being unsympathetic to the mentally challenged, let me assure you that Sheila is not your typical "'OMG THAT IS SOOO SAD' HBO documentary" retard. In fact, the government doesn’t even recognize her as having developmental disabilities. She does, however, boast an IQ that floats in the mid-sixties, and has the personality of a mean-spirited, selfish 10 year-old. She has systematically made herself unwelcome among all members of the extended family, the only remaining person enjoying her company being me, and for all the wrong and amoral reasons.
My COUSIN – We have similar chromosomes, but not too similar, thankfully. Also, I have the right number.
So there she is in a very rotund nutshell, my fat retarded cousin Sheila, or F.R.C. Sheila, if you're into the whole brevity thing. And now, if I may, I would like to spin you a yarn about our curious friend.
For the purposes of this particular tale, it is helpful to know just a couple of specifics. First, Sheila is EXTREMELY greedy, and has been known to walk into people's homes, open their fridge and remove entire cakes for her immediate consumption. Also, she LOOOOVES Jesus (as many people with double-digit IQ's do, I've noticed) and will take every opportunity to remind of you of this, even when her actions clearly fall under the heading of precisely “What Jesus Would Not Do”.
One of my favourite activities as a youth (and probably now too, if I still lived anywhere close), and certainly the only way to make family gatherings (read: bible thumpfest) bearable, was to get good and fucked up and engage FRC in debate. She was always happy to oblige, and my temporary loss of brain power always seemed to match her permanent one, with hilarious results.
One Thanksgiving, Sheila and I found ourselves alone at the dinner table after an epic feast. She had just been clamoring for, and received, the last piece of pumpkin pie, and as I watched her with Discovery Channel-like interest, I decided to test her on her devotion to the teachings of Christ.
"So, Sheila", I hesitantly began, "You're into Jesus and God and all that stuff right?"
"Yeah", Sheila mumbled, mouth teeming with pie.
"And you live your life by the Jesus' teachings, right?"
"Yeah", she responded still chewing furiously.
"Because", I continued, "I was just wondering, if there was a starving child... and you... and one piece of pie left, would you, you know, do the Christian thing?" (the word "hypothetical" had long escaped my vocabulary in a smoky haze).
Sheila was clearly deepish in thought. After a moment's silence, and not chewing, she delivered quite a blow to my logic sensors.
"It depends."
In pure disbelief, I spat, "It DEPENDS? DEPENDS ON WHAT?"
Calm as a coma, she replied,
"Depends on what kind of pie."
posted by Vyvyan Basterd at 8:46 AM
3 Comments:
lol, hilarious. I once had a girl exactly like this try to beat me up for taking her chair (I honesty didn't know she sat there)
Beware the awesome power of Super Retard Strength
Having witnessed FRC Sheila's awful visage firsthand, I know only too well the veracity of his assesment.
"Be ye not afraid, pie go before you"
-Jebus
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